RER Op-Ed: The Border Games

RER Op-Ed: The Border Games

Photo: funnyfunda.com

Let’s talk immigration reform. First take a look at the border situation as it is today. If we Texans didn’t have a river there would be no border at all, and forget about that fence. The fence reminds me of those white picket, half buried jobs  in the sand like you see on the beaches in the north east. Why do they build those things anyway? Are they supposed to keep Jaws out? Anyway, I digress.

The Texas border is so riddled with holes that Sunday schools have better security. On one side we have a completely defunct nation without laws, or national identity, run by criminal cartels and a busted economy. On the other side is Mexico.  We even have two sets of laws for our guests. If I get caught with an open container in my car I’ll get a boot so hard Preparation H stock will go up ten points. If Pablo de Undocumento gets caught driving drunk he gets a bartender! Santa Anna didn’t bring that many Mexicans across the border. So, how do we fix this?

Save your fork folks, this is gonna get good. The first thing you have to do when you want to secure a border is to let people know on the OTHER side that there IS a border. This is hard to do during a traffic jam. You have to demonstrate to the intruders that crossing the line without Red Rover saying, “Come over,” incurs consequences. What consequences? Well, to begin with at least throw them back over the fence. “Oh Wilbur, what about the children?” Don’t  throw them as hard. Now, I’m not going to lead you believe that this will solve the problem. This is only a preliminary to the main event.

In the border Olympics, Mexican tossing is just one of the opening games. Winners will be judged, and moved up to the next event, The Running Mexican! You see qualifications apply to the ones coming across the border as well as the patriots waiting on this side. This is an International series of games. Notice I said “Patriots” not Border Patrol because Border Patrol is about as useless as . . .well, those things you find on a boar hog. Anyway, back to the games. The Running Mexican has a simple process. Said Mexican comes out of the brush and charges across the Texas plains. In hot pursuit two or three patriots try to outrun the interloper. If the chase ends in a catch the Patriot team is allotted ten points, however five points are removed for every Mexican who escapes. When caught do NOT turn them over to the Border Patrol. At this point you revert to the first event, Mexican Toss, and get a chance to recoup lost points for lost Mexicans in The Running Mexican event.

The next event is called Sí Shoot. Kinda like skeet shoot, with a twist. Now play close attention here. Sí Shoot has very strict rules. The contestants must hit the target IN THE AIR while jumping from the top of the fence. One foot on the ground does not constitute a hit, and the Mexican must be tossed BACK over the fence to be reshot after they heal and come back. Shooting Border Patrol or National Guard is not allowed because the Guard is unarmed and the Border Patrol, being largely Gay Alliance, could lead to you being charged with a hate crime, so don’t try to steal free points by that behavior! I know they run slow. If, however, you should accidentally shoot a Cartel member you receive one hundred bonus points AND you get to keep the grass! Any other drugs are to be distributed, I mean surrendered to the Border Patrol.

At some point Mexican applicants will dwindle and when there are no more stupid, I mean adventurous enough to participate points will be totaled and prizes will be awarded. First prize will be the Governorship of Texas. Whomever wins this will have obviously done more for Texas than Rick Perry ever even thought about doing, and will make a pretty good leader. Second prize will be Speaker of the House. Third prize will be the top position of Texas DPS Region Seven, but, in all fairness Rolondo Rivas  will be given the job of grounds keeper at the Capitol. There will be an honorable mention and that winner will be given a deed to the entire state of California. I know this may rub a few Californians the wrong way, but heck, when did they ever take a stand on anything, anyway? May sure a Gay guy gets that prize and they’ll go for it.

Now, these games are for Texas only. Each other border state must divise their own games and certain restrictions apply. Arizona, for instance, has this sheriff that could handle the problem all by himself if let go, or just give Jodi Arias a butcher knife and tell her the illegals taste just like chicken. I am convinced that if my games are adhered to, in time you won’t need any more to secure the border than a red dotted line.

Wilbur Witt

Wilbur Witt
Simple Ol’ Boy From Austin

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