The United States of TEXAS
Governor Perry went to Japan this week, and he gave a speech which
began with, “Texas is not a nation.” What is a nation? The definition has
been refined until nations look like the serving line at McDonalds. With
well defined borders, except when it comes to Texas, they seem to have
overlooked that one, an official language, oops, and people that pretty much
look alike, struck out on that one too. Ok, let’s start over. A nation is a
bunch of people who think they’re running the show. There!
Texas has always run its own show. That’s what makes us stand out. The
very fact that Perry, a lame duck governor, was even IN Japan at all to
speak is proof that the world sees the United States, and then they see
Texas, and never the two will mix. Our flag is recognized all over the world
and the reputation of Texans is famous. Even Billy the Kid surrendered like
a school girl when Pat Garrett called out to him saying he had one hundred
and fifty TEXANS with him. The battle of the Alamo showed Texan resolve, and
the inability to count to five thousand. There was some idiot on Doc
Greene’s morning show yesterday going on about the “union” and preserving
it, and we’re all Americans. Well, I’m not an American, I’m a Texan and want
very little to do with anything dreamed up by a bunch of Yankees. Now,
some,of those Yankees were good. They weren’t born in Texas, but they got
here as fast as they could.
Texas always has been, and always will be independent. All the other
states are just states. A bunch of one hit wonders. Take Idaho for instance.
Their license plates had the term, “Famous Potatoes,” on it. We have,
“Remember the Alamo!” What have they got? “Remember the potatoes?” And
California! Oh, don’t get me started. Now Cali is diverse, I’ll give you
that, but it’s just plain weird out there. You know it’s true. Think of the
last five really weird things you read in the news and take a look at where
MOST of it came from. And now it’s fashionable to use the term, “California
Republic!” Where did THAT come from. You are a republic when you kick
another country’s butt and parade its president under an oak tree like a
…well, I won’t say that bad word. Let’s just say, “Female Dog,” ok?
Anyway, we DID that!
I’ve used the term Republic of Texas de facto before. What that means,
simply put is if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a
duck, then it MUST be a duck. Texas has always marched to the beat of its
own drummer. We now send so much money to the US it’s beginning to look like
foreign aid to a banana republic. QUACK!
So, I came up with a solution to all of these problems. First, we move
the Capitol of the United States to Austin. Our building is taller than
theirs anyway, and it’s not surrounded by a slum. Then we change the
national anthem to “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You.” It’s a better song and
has a pertinent message. You have keep an eye on them Yankees all the time.
We also need to pull all the troops out of the Middle East and bring them
home. We’re going to need them…to invade Mexico. I’m so sick and tired of
seeing hordes of people flowing north across the border. Time we reversed
that, and see how they like it. It’ll be easy. Ain’t nobody down there but
I guess if he’s still in office we’ll probably have to bring Obama down
here, but we won’t let him run the government. We can put him in charge of
Thundercloud Subs IF he doesn’t try to turn it into a rib joint. Make Eric
Holder a border patrol guard. Give him a good look at all those guns he ran
to the cartels. Now Hillary’s not in office right now but idle hands are the
Devil’s tools so we can just fire the Chicken Ranch back up and put her in
charge of that. She can bring Bill along too.
And Governor Perry. He looks good. Can’t remember his lines too well,
but we got TelePrompTers for that. Remember Vince? You know, “Follow me
camera guy.” Well Rick can do that really good. “I’m gonna take your water
fund and flush it down the toilette. Are you with me camera guy?”
We can rock along like that for say, fifty years. Run the whole shebang
from sixth street, basically. Steal all their money, wreck their health
care, put ’em all on food stamps and we won’t HAVE to secede from the
Yankees. They’ll secede from US!
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Little Red Riding Republican
The children gathered round, their little faces glowing in the light from the fireplace, “Tell us a story, PaPa!”
“What kind of story would you like?”
“Something relevant,” the little girl said.
“Yes,” the four boys chimed in, “Relevant! Relevant!”
The old man lit his politically incorrect pipe, and taking a sip from his martini he nodded. “Yes, relevance is important.” He leaned back, drew in the smoke and began, the children’s eyes wide with expectation.
“Once upon a time there was a little girl who owned a coat, purchased by her grandma from earnings she had made from investments back when the old kingdom was strong. She was called Little Red Riding Republican.”
“Was the coat used, PaPa?”
“Oh no! In those days, before the dark times, there were great factories all over the kingdom. People came from other kingdoms just to buy things. But that was in the days of King George the first. As you know, he was deposed by Bill the Adulterer, who seized the castle with his Queen, the evil evil Hillary of Arkansas, or was it New York? No one ever really knew because she had the ability to shift change to the point where the people couldn’t even tell if she was a queen or a king, but I digress.”
The wind howled from outside the cottage, and the old man put another log on the fire. As the embers leaped within the fireplace he continued, “Subsequently, Little Red Riding Republican grew up in a time of war, for after a season, a season, and half a season of the Adulterer, the son of King George the first regained the castle, and the people rejoiced. They said, ‘The factories will now return. Grain will again fill the silos, and we will have more gold, for good King George the Second will give back to the people that which the Adulterer has taken!”
“But, they were wrong, weren’t they, PaPa?”
“Oh, yes they were! For King George the Second was not like his father. While he was away at joust an evil prince conjured up his knights and told them to ride on the backs of two dragons, and destroy the two towers wherein the wealth of the kingdom was kept, for he believed this would crumble the kingdom. King George the Second went on a crusade, but he could never find the evil prince. What little gold he had left he spent pursuing the prince, but the prince vanished as if he had magical powers. After that, God dimmed the light of his wisdom, and King George the Second began to imagine the evil prince was here, there, everywhere, and he saw windmills that existed only in his mind, and he pursued these windmills with a vengeance, even slaying other kings who had no such windmills. He even withdrew the ancient sword from the rock called ‘Constitution,’ and flung it into the great sea, and freedom was soon gone from the land.”
“And the people said nothing because they thought King George was like his father, right PaPa?”
“Yes, they did. They thought that he was a member of the sacred order of Republican, but in reality he was not. They had memories of great King Reagan.”
The little girl’s eyes grew wide, and she said, “But King Reagan was not a king, but the court Jester, right PaPa?”
“You are right. He constructed bedtime stories that lured the people into a false sense of security. King George the Second was using these bedtime stories to make the people believe the windmills were real. King George the Second made crusades against Kingdom after Kingdom, until he had exhausted all of his gold. Freedom was gone from the land and a great pestilence came upon the kingdom. The plague of RECESSION! He told the people lies. He said paper was gold, and that the evil prince was mounting a great army to make war.”
“Where did King George go, PaPa?”
“Well, that’s where Little Red Riding Republican comes in. She had been raised in the wisdom handed down from generation to generation. She had eyes of blue, and flaxen hair that fell down around her shoulders. She would take long walks in the country, and one day, during one of these walks she became lost and a figure appeared out of thin air. It was the black knight!”
“And no one knew where he came from, isn’t that right, PaPa?”
“Yes! He asked her where she was going and she told him that she was going nowhere, for she had lost her direction. He told her that he, the black knight would show her the way out of the woods by using a magic incantation he called, ‘Hope and Change!’ Little Red Riding Republican did not totally believe the black knight, but he smiled upon her, and she became vexed. But he was a member of a dark, and secret order. The Order of the Liberal Democrats! They lie, and steal, and vex the people increasingly.”
“And eat little children like us!”
“Oh yes! They eat little children even before they are born, and if they are born they steal them and give them to anyone who has the gold to buy them. The black knight so vexed Little Red Riding Republican that she began to believe all of his lies. Then, by way of sorcery, he pretended to show her a path out of the woods. She could not see that the woods were still there, but the black knight had fooled her by an evil spell called ‘misdirection.’ She began to run through all the villages calling, ‘The black knight will save us. Only he has the magic!’ And the people believed! The kingdom rose with such veracity that they gave the castle to the black knight and he became the king.”
“But, he had no magic, did he PaPa?”
“Oh no, he was practiced at the art of misdirection. Whenever confronted with the truth he would wave his hand and say, ‘Don’t look there, look HERE!’ And, while the people were looking at his right hand, his left would be doing all manner of iniquity. Soon the kingdom was under a cloud of lies called ‘Political Correctness,’ and no one could discern the truth for all wisdom had been taken from the land. People longed for the days of the great kings, but those days were no more. The Kingdom was not even a Kingdom anymore for even though his subjects were still believing the black knight’s lies, other kings did not, nor did they fear the black knight’s armies, nor respect his paper gold any longer. Soon the kingdom was overrun with bandits.”
“But, PaPa, what ever became of Little Red Riding Republican?”
“Oh, that’s where the story changes. She regained her wisdom by listening to a very wise oracle, Princess Kathie of Glass, and she began to read, and understand, and scales fell from her eyes, and she saw clearly all the lies and sorcery the black knight had wrought upon his kingdom. A new kingdom sprang from the earth, and the black knight gnashed his teach, tore his robe and ate his paper gold. The kingdom of Texas was born, and the people said, ‘We shall place the sword back into the stone called ‘Constitution’ and we shall set a seal upon it so that it may never be withdrawn again’ and the people lived happily ever after!”
The old man finished his martini and said, “Now, your children must go to bed for tomorrow you must be ready for school, and other people have jobs to go to. “
“But, PaPa, what ever became of the black knight?”
“He was vanquished to a prison called CNN, where, to this day he tries to revive his scroll on racial division, but the people no longer believe, and they know that he, too, is seeing windmills that are not really there!”
Lehmberg Kidnapping or Rosemary’s Baby
Just when you think things can’t get any funnier someone like Rosemary
Lehmberg pops up and life is born anew. I wanted to donate some time to
this. I touched on it yesterday but I wanted just the right atmosphere
before I dealt with this subject in depth. I didn’t want to do it from my
back porch, which is my usual location for any serious writing. That, and I
had to have just the right libation to create the mood. In her honor I chose
vodka martinis, which is as close to gay as I like to get, being a straight
up gin man myself. Vodka martinis are really not a martini. It’s a lady’s
drink. I prefer gin because if it don’t bite it ain’t right. Anyway, I
Let me update the uninformed. Last year the illustrious District
Attorney of no less than Travis County, Texas went barreling through Austin,
stewed to the gills, with a half bottle of vodka riding along in the
passenger’s seat, and, as so often happens, one of Austin’s finest jacked
her holiness up. She might have gotten away with it cept she was using the
bike lane for a passing lane, and Austin may be weird, but it ain’t THAT
weird. Now she was three times the legal limit of blood alcohol, which if
you understand the legal limit is .08 that put the right honorable Rosemary
Lehmberg at right about 2.4. In laymen’s terms that is snot slinging,
commode hugging drunk, and I should know, having been there on many
occasions myself. How drunk IS that? Well, the last time I got into a
whiskey drinking contest and tipped the scale to that degree I fell off the
FLOOR! She had blood in her alcohol system.
One would expect that a woman who has risen to the office of DA would
have the knowledge, or at least the common sense to behave herself while
being filmed during an arrest. I mean how many DWIs has she prosecuted, huh?
Not our Rosemary. Nosiree. She paraded around like a beached whale, kicking
doors, asking if the officers knew who she was, name dropping, and shifting
between laughter and rage as they tied her to a chair. That’s right. They
had to restrain this esteemed jurist to keep from hurting herself or others.
Like a drunk biker mama. After she made her big splash at the Austin PD she
pled out and did something like twenty days for her situation. (Wonder how
the ol’ docket worked out down at the office.)
Now, wouldn’t you figure that her career would have a least have taken
a left turn at Congress and MLK after this. Hell NO! Not in the world of
Austin politics. Onward through the fog. Keep Austin weird. She just took
her fat ass right back to work just like she had good sense. (I’m not
kidding, folks. You can’t make this stuff up!)
It just so happens that this star supporter of Twin Liquors
(twenty-three gallons of Cirroc in fifteen months) is also the head of
something called the Public Integrity Unit which is charged with prosecuting
public crimes. Now the rules are that she should have been removed from
office under the Texas Local Government Code which in chapter eighty-seven
specifically states such officials may be removed for habitual drunkenness.
Well, she is a democrat and Governor Perry is a Republican. Austin is the
hotbed of democratic power so a number of other DAs and democratic notables
rallied to her cause and as you know, she remained firmly in place. No
problem! Perry just said that if the DIDN’T step down he would veto any
funding of that “integrity” committee since a DRUNK was running it.
Well he did it and some liberal watchdog group called Texans For Public
Justice filed an ethics complaint which round about ended up with Governor
Perry getting INDICTED on a felony for delivering an unlicensed bitchslap to
Rosemary’s dead poets society. What amazes me is the fine folks if Austin,
who march in the street when someone cuts down a tree, don’t see what’s
wrong with this!
Perry is a consummate politician. One cannot imagine he didn’t see
this Chihuahua snapping at his heels, and had plans for her to his own good
purpose. I think Rick Perry will survive this, in fact I KNOW he’s gonna
survive this, and Lehmberg’s little effort to kidnap his political career
will end up being Rosemary’s Baby, a perverted, drunken monster who just
crapped in her lunchbox!
Mike Brown Revisited
First off I’d like to say I was right. Jack in the Sharp showed up, AND Jackson DID pass the plate. When are black people going to see through these two nincompoops? Couple of years ago a little two year old girl in Dallas got her brains bashed out by a foster parent up in Dallas and Jack in the Sharp was sadly absent. I’ll leave it to you to figure out why, but enough about that.
We are now running the gauntlet of autopsies trying to figure out what happened on that fateful night in Ferguson. There WERE witnesses, and it was in the street with enough light. Brown DID just strong arm a convenience store clerk, but the officer had no knowledge of that so it’s not a factor in the event. What has to be determined is if deadly force was required or not.
There are some who are trying to draw parallels to the Trayvon Martin event but that doesn’t wash, and I will tell you why. Trayvon Martin did assault George Zimmerman. This is borne out by Zimmerman’s injuries. For whatever reason he was knocked to the ground and Martin leaped on him, banging his head on the concrete causing George some distress, and it doesn’t MATTER what Martin said while he was doing it, he could have been saying, “Have you found Jesus,” he was still doing everything possible to knock Zimmerman out. Now, this is important; one shot, squarely placed, to fend off am attacker. Physical contact had been made, and it doesn’t matter WHY George was out of that SUV, it doesn’t matter what flavor tea Trayvon had at the time it is simple. Attack, one shot, man down. If you will note, George Zimmerman did NOT empty his magazine into Trayvon Martin. When Martin stood, and said, “You got me,” through the blood in his eyes, and the trauma of the head bashing he had just taken, George Zimmerman had no idea where the bullet went. It could have gone straight up in the air and I think Martin would have jumped up anyway.
Now, let’s look at the officer’s actions in Ferguson. These people are pumped up, ok? That’s why they yell a lot. I’ve been told that the reason for the contact was because Brown and company were walking in the middle of the street. What happened to the officer just slowing his cruiser and pointing at the boys, and then at the sidewalk? He over reacted. Now let’s get inside Brown’s head. Being aware that he had just stolen those cigars, and believing that most likely the clerk had called the police, don’t you think it possible that Michael Brown thought he was caught? When I was growing up down here in Texas, and a cop pulled up and got out of his car we ran in five different directions at once. Cop caught the slow guy. Witnesses agree that Mike turned, raised his hands, and approached the officer. Not one witness recalled the officer shouting, “GET DOWN!” Now THAT is normal police procedure. You lay down, they handcuff you, and you deny everything.
Let’s address the firing of the weapon. I’ve been in altercations here with thugs trying to roll me in the parking lot of a store and all I’ve ever done is show my gun, smile, and say, “You were just leaving.” Know what? They always LEAVE! Damnest thing I ever saw. That’s cause NOBODY wants to get shot, and I dare say Michael Brown had just about the same mindset. Now let’s push the envelope just a bit. Let’s say, just for argument’s sake, that Michael Brown was a drug crazed, raving lunatic, charging at the cop waving his fists in the air. You charge a cop down here and see how that works out for you. These guys are pumped up. They WANT to fight. They PRACTICE fighting. They taze each other at parties and laugh about it. If that police officer was in fear for his life because some fat kid ran up in him he needs to get another job.
Next, he can’t shoot. All the wounds in Brown’s arm prove that. George got Trayvon dead center with one shot with blood in his eyes. The one good hit was when Michael stooped over exposing the top of his head, which is another point. If a man is going down why shoot him again? In my opinion this officer has some explaining to do, and, as facts emerge, the scenario I have painted may change, but I don’t think it will change that much. If Brown was on drugs, or drunk, police officers are supposed to be trained for that. If he was bull rushing the officer, don’t they have teasers up in Ferguson? There are so many variables that the conclusions are endless.
On a final note I thought we’d done away with all this, “Burn the town down” crap back in the 60’s. Apparently not. I have never understood that. You burn down the stores so now you can’t buy any cigarettes. DUH! Beats working I guess.
The Pot Calling The Kettle Black
Years ago my business partner, W C Dorrill, told me, “Be sure your sins
will find you out.” I think that’s been my motto ever since. When I launched
my series of articles concerning Rosemary Lehmberg it was not because I am a
sterling example you would want to hold up before your children. Far from
it. It was because I’m the one person in Texas who can fly in her face and
not fear any repercussions. In former times I would be referred to as a
drunken asshole. Now I’m the “Most Interesting Man In Texas.” She thinks she
can drink? –>I<– can drink! After forty-two years in country music, at the
publishing level, I have out drank many folks at parties and done things
that would make a sailor blush with shame. I’m lucky my ass isn’t in jail!
I’ve become a Mexican citizen, bootlegged Coors beer from Burnet to Killeen
for the city council, coyoted illegals across the border, worked in strip
clubs, been a bag man for gangsters, and have enough ex-wives to start a
softball team. If you want to dig dirt on me you’d better bring a dump
truck. But the one thing I’ve never done is fill an elected position and
betray the people’s trust by portraying myself as an upstanding American and
champion of the truth!
Remember when Jesus was listing sins? What was the last thing he said
that day? “…as are all LIARS!” Peter hung his head in the boat that night
and said, “Be thou far from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!” But he wasn’t
a liar. Rosemary Lehmberg is a liar! And she can’t sue me because she’d have
to go into court and prove she’s not a liar. And what makes it bad for her
to have me on her ass is that I understand her world. I’m not the pot
calling the kettle black, I’m the pot calling the kettle OUT!
Rick Perry has his faults, but one of those faults is NOT tooling down
a bike path with a blood-alcohol level of 2.39! That, and he was perfectly
within his rights to veto anything he wasn’t comfortable with. His logic was
simple. “You are on a committee to oversee the ethics of other people and
you have NO ethics! Not to mention the track record of that group leaves a
little to be desired. Case in point, Tom Delay!
The appellate court in September 2013 tossed a high-profile jury
verdict, ruling that “the evidence was legally insufficient to sustain
DeLay’s convictions.” In a dissent, the lone Democrat on the three-judge
panel argued the evidence for a conviction was sufficient enough to convince
a rational jury that criminal conduct had taken place.
Notice the dissenting judge was a democrat! And this is how they roll,
folks. That “ethics” group was squarely behind the DeLay fiasco. The main
problem with Rick Perry and his veto had nothing to do with a woman who
betrayed the public trust, it rested solely upon the fact that Rick is a
republican! Maybe we need to have two governors. One for the democrats, and
one for the republicans. Oh, my bad…THREE! One for AUSTIN democrats.
There. That’s better.
This is really not about Lehmberg’s drinking. It’s about her complete
lack of discretion. Rick Perry’s abuse of power? How about a district
attorney stumbling across a line, trying to stay on her feet, asking the
officers HOLDING HER UP if they knew who she was? How’s THAT for abuse of
power? Now I’m not going to speculate on things, but I’d like you to ask
yourself; what do you think Rick Perry would have done in that same
We all make mistakes. We have all fallen short of the glory. What you
do after you fall is the measure of your character. Rosemary Lehmberg is
sadly lacking in what it takes to serve the people of Texas. Notice I did
NOT say America because they have Obama and don’t get me started.